—— dare I pronounce
the divine words?—— that she loves me!
That she loves me ! How the idea exalts me in my own eyes! And,
as you can understand my feelings , I may say to you , how I honour
myself since she loves me !
Is this presumption , or is it a consciousness of the truth? I do
not know a man able to supplant me in the heart of Charlotte; and yet
when she speaks of her betrothed with so much warmth and affection, I
feel like the soldier who has been stripped of his honours and titles ,
and deprived of his sword.
JULY 16. How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger ,
or my feet meet hers under the table! I draw back as if from a furnace
; but a secret force impels me forward again , and my senses become
disordered. Her innocent, unconscious heart never knows what agony these
little familiarities inflict upon me. Sometimes when we are talking she
Iays her hand upon mine , and in the eagerness of conversation comes
closer to me, and her balmy breath reaches my lips ,—— when I feel
as if lightning had struck me , and that I could sink into the earth.
And yet , Wilhelm, with all this heavenly confidence,—— if I know
myself, and should ever dare —— you understand me. No, no ! my heart
is not so corrupt , it is weak , weak enough but is not that a degree
of corruption ?
She is to me a sacred being. All passion is still in her presence
: I cannot express my sensations when I am near her. I feel as if my
soul beat in every nerve of my body. There is a melody which she plays
on the piano with angelic skill ,—— so simple is it, and yet so spiritual!
It is her favourite air ; and, when she plays the first note, all pain,
care, and sorrow disappear from me in a moment.
I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music. How
her simple song enchants me ! Sometimes, when I am ready to commit suicide,
she sings that air; and instantly the gloom and madness which hung over
me are dispersed, and I breathe freely again.
JULY 18. Wilhelm, what is the world to our hearts without love ?
What is a magic-lantern without light ? You have but to kindle the flame
within, and the brightest figures shine on the white wall; and, if
love only show us fleeting shadows, we are yet happy , when , like
mere children , we behold them , and are transported with the splendid
phantoms. I have not been able to see Charlotte to-day. I was prevented
by company from which I could not disengage myself. What was to be done?
I sent my servant to her house, that I might at least see somebody to-day
who had been near her. Oh , the impatience with which I waited for his
return! the joy with which I welcomed him! I should certainly have caught
him in my arms, and kissed him , if I had not been ashamed.
It is said that the Bonona stone, when placed in the sun , attracts
the rays, and for a time appears luminous in the dark. So was it with
me and this servant. The idea that Charlotte"s eyes had dwelt on his countenance,
his cheek , his very apparel , endeared them all inestimably to me,
so that at the moment I would not have parted from him for a thousand
crowns. His presence made me so happy ! Beware of laughing at me , Wilhelm.
Can that be a delusion which makes us happy ?
JULY 19. "I shall see her today !" I exclaim with delight, when
I rise in the morning , and look out with gladness of heart at the bright,
beautiful sun. "I shall see her today !" And then I have no further wish
to form : all, all is included in that one thought.
JULY 2O. I cannot assent to your proposal that I should accompany
the ambassador to _______. I do not love subordination; and we all know
that he is a rough, disagreeable person to be connected with. You say
my mother wishes me to be employed. I could not help laughing at that.
Am I not sufficiently employed?
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