He , as it seems to me, who can see through the others,
and possesses strength or skill enough to make their power or passions
subservient to the execution of his own designs.
JANUARY 20. I must write to you from this place , my dear Charlotte,
from a small room in a country inn, where I have taken shelter from a
severe storm. During my whole residence in that wretched place D——,
where I lived amongst strangers ,—— strangers, indeed , to this heart,
—— I never at any time felt the smallest inclination to correspond with
you ; but in this cottage, in this retirement , in this solitude ,
with the snow and hail beating against my lattice-pane, you are my first
thought. The instant I entered, your figure rose up before me, and the
remembrance ! O my Charlotte , the sacred , tender remembrance ! Gracious
Heaven! restore to me the happy moment of our first acquaintance.
Could you but see me, my dear Charlotte, in the whirl of dissipation,
—— how my senses are dried up , but my heart is at no time full. I
enjoy no single moment of happiness : all is vain—— nothing touches
me. I stand , as it were , before the raree-show: I see the little
puppets move, and I ask whether it is not an optical illusion. I am amused
with these puppets, or , rather , I am myself one of them: but, when
I sometimes grasp my neighbour"s hand , I feel that it is not natural
; and I withdraw mine with a shudder. In the evening I say I will enjoy
the next morning"s sunrise, and yet I remain in bed: in the day I promise
to ramble by moonlight; and I, nevertheless , remain at home. I know
not why I rise, nor why I go to sleep.
The leaven which animated my existence is gone: the charm which cheered
me in the gloom of night, and aroused me from my morning slumbers, is
for ever fled.
I have found but one being here to interest me, a Miss B ——。 She
resembles you , my dear Charlotte, if any one can possibly resemble
you. "Ah!" you will say, "he has learned how to pay fine compliments."
And this is partly true. I have been very agreeable lately, as it was
not in my power to be otherwise. I have , moreover , a deal of wit:
and the ladies say that no one understands flattery better, or falsehoods
you will add; since the one accomplishment invariably accompanies the
other. But I must tell you of Miss B——。 She has abundance of soul,
which flashes from her deep blue eyes. Her rank is a torment to her ,
and satisfies no one desire of her heart. She would gladly retire from
this whirl of fashion , and we often picture to ourselves a life of undisturbed
happiness in distant scenes of rural retirement : and then we speak of
you , my dear Charlotte; for she knows you, and renders homage to your
merits; but her homage is not exacted, but voluntary, she loves you,
and delights to hear you made the subject of conversation.
Oh, that I were sitting at your feet in your favourite little room,
with the dear children playing around us! If they became troublesome
to you, I would tell them some appalling goblin story; and they would
crowd round me with silent attention. The sun is setting in glory ; his
last rays are shining on the snow , which covers the face of the country
: the storm is over, and I must return to my dungeon. Adieu !—— Is
Albert with you ? and what is he to you? God forgive the question.
FEBRUARY 8. For a week past we have had the most wretched weather
: but this to me is a blessing ; for, during my residence here , not
a single fine day has beamed from the heavens , but has been lost to
me by the intrusion of somebody. During the severity of rain, sleet,
frost , and storm, I congratulate myself that it cannot be worse indoors
than abroad , nor worse abroad than it is within doors ; and so I become
reconciled. When the sun rises bright in the morning, and promises a
glorious day, I never omit to exclaim, "There , now, they have another
blessing from Heaven, which they will be sure to destroy : they spoil
everything,—— health , fame , happiness, amusement; and they do
this generally through folly, ignorance, or imbecility, and always ,
according to their own account, with the best intentions !"
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