AUGUST 28. If my ills would admit of any cure , they would certainly
be cured here. This is my birthday, and early in the morning I received
a packet from Albert. Upon opening it , I found one of the pink ribbons
which Charlotte wore in her dress the first time I saw her, and which
I had several times asked her to give me. With it were two volumes in
duodecimo of Wetstein"s "Homer," a book I had often wished for , to
save me the inconvenience of carrying the large Ernestine edition with
me upon my walks. You see how they anticipate my wishes , how well they
understand all those little attentions of friendship, so superior to
the costly presents of the great, which are humiliating. I kissed the
ribbon a thousand times , and in every breath inhaled the remembrance
of those happy and irrevocable days which filled me with the keenest joy.
Such, Wilhelm, is our fate. I do not murmur at it : the flowers of
life are but visionary. How many pass away, and leave no trace behind
—— how few yield any fruit—— and the fruit itself , how rarely does
it ripen! And yet there are flowers enough ! and is it not strange,
my friend , that we should suffer the little that does really ripen,
to rot, decay, and perish unenjoyed ? Farewell ! This is a glorious
summer. I often climb into the trees in Charlotte"s orchard , and shake
down the pears that hang on the highest branches. She stands below, and
catches them as they fall.
AUGUST 3O. Unhappy being that I am! Why do I thus deceive myself ?
What is to come of all this wild, aimless, endless passion? I cannot
pray except to her. My imagination sees nothing but her : all surrounding
objects are of no account , except as they relate to her. In this dreamy
state I enjoy many happy hours, till at length I feel compelled to tear
myself away from her. Ah, Wilhelm, to what does not my heart often compel
me! When I have spent several hours in her company , till I feel completely
absorbed by her figure, her grace, the divine expression of her thoughts,
my mind becomes gradually excited to the highest excess , my sight grows
dim , my hearing confused, my breathing oppressed as if by the hand
of a murderer , and my beating heart seeks to obtain relief for my aching
senses. I am sometimes unconscious whether I really exist. If in such
moments I find no sympathy, and Charlotte does not allow me to enjoy
the melancholy consolation of bathing her hand with my tears, I feel
compelled to tear myself from her , when I either wander through the
country , climb some precipitous cliff , or force a path through the
trackless thicket , where I am lacerated and torn by thorns and briers
; and thence I find relief. Sometimes I lie stretched on the ground,
overcome with fatigue and dying with thirst ; sometimes, late in the
night , when the moon shines above me, I recline against an aged tree
in some sequestered forest, to rest my weary limbs , when , exhausted
and worn, I sleep till break of day. O Wilhelm ! the hermit"s cell,
his sackcloth , and girdle of thorns would be luxury and indulgence compared
with what I suffer. Adieu ! I see no end to this wretchedness except
the grave.
SEPTEMBER 3. I must away. Thank you , Wilhelm, for determining my
wavering purpose. For a whole fortnight I have thought of leaving her.
I must away. She has returned to town , and is at the house of a friend.
And then, Albert —— yes, I must go.
SEPTEMBER 1O. Oh, what a night , Wilhelm! I can henceforth bear
anything. I shall never see her again. Oh , why cannot I fall on your
neck, and, with floods of tears and raptures, give utterance to all
the passions which distract my heart!
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